If you know me, then you know that as of right now there’s really only one game that I play these days. Final Fantasy XIV. In my opinion, it’s a fun game that has some dope worldbuilding, character development, and challenging gameplay. All of it with no real pressure to adhere to any specific style of play. You can go into hardcore raiding, get into the roleplaying scene, decorate homes, crash the in-game economy with crafting and gathering, play mahjong, all kinds of stuff.

	But I’ve recently run into the same problem that I have with many other games in the past few years. The reason that I play XIV is the same that I’ve been playing video games recently: to socialize. A good chunk of the friends that I communicate with regularly play XIV, which is great. But the only issue that I have is that I have work schedules with odd hours. Stack this with the pursuit of a writing career, and I don’t get to play with my friends too often, which sort of sucks out the reason to play at all.

	At this point I think it’s cliche to mention this, but the past two pandemic years have reminded me that I’m more social than I thought I was before. I like talking, albeit about odd things that people can barely listen to without their eyes glazing over, or feeling on edge, or maybe both. It’s weird to think about how I’d like to talk to people. 

        But it makes sense, I think. Apparently, when I could start forming words I couldn’t stop talking. Something happened after that though. Maybe my child world opening up a little bit with school and strangers and learning new rules that had to be followed? Maybe some sort of event that would traumatize a four year old? I’m not quite sure, but I’m told that I stopped talking so much and tried to hide whenever anything new or unknown came up. That sort of persisted throughout my childhood and teenage years. And even though I always somehow made new friends during this time, I was always generally wary of speaking what was on my mind. When I entered college, I let loose a little more. But I think that I tried really hard to be “deep” or thought provoking. Probably because I wanted to feel superior? Also probably because I thought it would filter in people I thought of as “cool”. But, my conversation pieces mostly served to drive people away from me. Probably because I was an ass who believed he himself superior in almost every way. Basically a narcissist, I think. I mean, look at all of the “I”s in this post and probably other posts.

        Near the end of my college career, I think I grew more awareness of narcissistic tendencies and how I was displaying them and I didn’t really like that. So, I actively tried to change my mentality about things. Traveling to different places probably helped with this adjustment. Seeing and thinking about how people live and have different mentalities toward things, mostly, I think. It probably has to do a lot with stepping outside of yourself.

        But after moving to a new city for work, I think that I went back to being quiet. That was mostly because I thought it was important to listen, since I felt like a lot of people I knew or saw didn’t really demonstrate that listening. On top of that, it was neat to gather perspective on some things and make people feel heard. 

        And now, circling all the way round back, I guess that the entertainment of video games has really changed for me. They’re sort of a habit, to be honest. I find myself plopping down in front of the computer, loading up the latest game that I played (which again at this point in time is Final Fantasy XIV). But when the game starts, I’m unsure of what I want to do in it. Again, there’s a lot to do. But none of it sounds like any fun to me. Not without someone around to do it with. 

        Otherwise, I’d rather focus my energy on something else. Sometimes writing, yeah. But something else too. I just don’t know what other thing (or things) I’d rather be doing quite yet. I’m hoping that I find it soon, though. Or maybe it’s as simple as going out and eating something yummy. Because I do miss that.

        Jeez what an awkward slurry of nonsensical information. My mind’s been all over the place. But, that’s how it is sometimes. Have a radical Tuesday!