Two people around me have passed away in the past few days. One of them being a relative and the other being a coworker. No need for apologies necessary, I'm just glad that someone is coming by and reading. 

        But, I’ve always been at odds with my feelings regarding death. What I mean by this is that one of the first things that my gut tells me to feel is “how should I be feeling now?” There’s always an uncertainty that I feel about it and my thoughts scatter and it’s hard to wrangle them back together and organize what’s what.

	One of my first memories with death was the passing of my grandma. She took care of me for a majority of my childhood. I was eleven when my mom got the phone call from the Philippines. My parents and I flew out a few days later and a viewing was held at the house that my grandma had purchased for the family. There were a lot of people there that I didn’t know; relatives, neighbors, and people who had been paid to be there to mourn (moirologists is apparently the term). 

        But I distinctly remember walking up to her casket. People made way when my parents and I came to see her body. I could feel their eyes on me as I stared at her face. I knew it was her, but she was in a weird white dress that she would never wear and they put white powder and red lipstick on her that made her look like an elderly doll. I remember I cried and immediately thought about how she wouldn’t be around anymore. And then I immediately thought that couldn’t be her because it didn’t look like her, despite knowing that it was actually her. 

        And then I thought about if it was okay that I was crying. Because I knew that a lot of the people who were there didn’t actually know grandma. And I questioned if my tears were real or not, if I were crying because I felt sad or if I was doing it because it was expected of me. I don’t think it was an unreasonable question for an eleven year old to ask himself, especially considering I did tend to be a people pleaser more than anything else to avoid getting in trouble and to be left alone.

        I guess all of that left a mark on me. Because ever since then, whenever someone I know passes away, one of my first thoughts is how I should react, instead of just going with how I feel. It all seems very mechanical. But if you know me, then you probably would say that it’s on brand. Maybe the whole incident played more a role in shaping how I am today than I’ve given credit to.

	Another thing that always happens when someone around me passes away is I think about how I’m living my life now. And work is always one of the first things that come up. I’m still trying to make my writing a full time career, but I’ve been working a job that I’m not at all in love with. It pays decent, considering the workload. But, the management leaves a lot to be desired and the work doesn’t mean a lot to me. Basically, other than the means to barely sustain myself independently, the work doesn’t offer me much more. And the death of someone around me, thinking of all that they did in their lifetime, it makes me think about sacrificing myself for work and if it’s worth it. I’m not sure, to be honest, as not being able to attain my basic necessities is terrifying. But at the same time, I feel like it’s a sort of living to die situation. I go to work only to return home and feel the need to blow off the stress from it by wasting time. It’s that vicious cycle that people always talk about. Maybe I’m not cut out to balance out all of the stuff that life has to throw at me. But all I know is that trying is the only thing I really can do in this situation.

        Anyway, I hope that you all hug someone today, even if it's yourself.