I know I’ve mentioned this before in a previous post, but I’m a fan of the 2003 film, Oldboy. If I recall correctly, the first time I saw it was 2005. I was either 14 or 15 at the time. My sister showed it to me when she had a break from college. I remember the entire time being absolutely confused, but still intrigued as to what was happening. The overall plot was simple enough for me to understand, but the way the narrative advanced was weird to me, as if I was being shown things that didn’t really have any relation to one another. 

I don’t want to spoil anything, but I want to mention that at the end my sister asked me what character I had the most sympathy for. Maybe intentional on her part, given that it’s a part of Park Chan-wook’s infamous vengeance trilogy. I gave her my answer and she was shocked. I couldn’t really justify why I felt the way I did about said character, but I know how I felt. With time now passed, I feel like I’m more capable of explaining my thought process. But at the same time, I feel like I’ve come to understand other characters’ motivations and even sympathize with them. I don’t think some of the actions taken are justified, but I can understand why they’re taken. Personally, I think that’s a mark of good characterization, story development, and just knowing the audience.

The movie overall has a lot of shock and absurdity to it that makes up its dark comedy. I like to think that both of those elements have influenced how I go about my creative work and some of my perspective on life. I think so much so that it’s allowed me to blend some of my awkwardness more organically with people who might not originally be so keen to me or my personality.

This entire thought process came about because I’ve been listening to the soundtrack, which I like to think is curated by the characters themselves. It feels like sharp contrasts between them, actually.

But sort of backing out and looking at and speaking about a somewhat bigger picture, that was my first exposure to Korean culture. A film that a lot of people would say is unsavory and violent was my first look into a culture that I knew nothing about. But I only felt wonder and introspection from it. 

I feel lucky that I was able to get small glimpses like this into what was happening in entertainment industries in other parts of the world in the early days of the internet. I think that it really gave me ideas on how else to pursue creative endeavors. Not in terms of business, but more in terms of the possibilities that are out there, that other people that aren’t even in the same country have odd approaches to things but still have a voice in their work. I think, under all of it, that’s what’s been important to me. Having a voice.

I know that I’ve been on repeat with the reasons for my absent updates. Work, projects, family emergencies. Everyone faces them. But I feel like there’s something else that’s been going on, too. I’m still trying to figure it out. I’ve thought that maybe with some close friends moving away, it’s become more real to me that I’ll be following soon. And with that, I feel a crushing pressure to finally move on to work that I actually enjoy. But, at the same time, I’m at a loss, as it seems that in many employers’ eyes I’m not qualified for such work. Thus, I’m left with my only idea left: become a freelance editor on top of working and writing. And the idea is overwhelming, as I’m already having such a time doing two of those things. But, in all honesty, there may not be much work added. I don’t know a lot of hobby writers who would pay money to have their work looked at and I don’t know many career writers who would resort to an unknown freelance editor to look at what they’re banking their future to be.

But I know that I need to do something. If I don’t, then I might as well resign myself to working in a completely different field. But I’ve stepped on that route before, one where I abandon writing and creative work. And it ended up just leading me back to writing and creative work. 

What a predicament. 

With that, I leave you, dear reader, with a thank you for coming by to visit and see how I’m doing. The zine’s first issue being released has reminded me of the joy and energy that writing and editing gives me and as a result, I’ll be hopping back on the train just a little more organized in my thoughts and goals.