I’ve been trying to catch up with a lot of things this past July. I think I got a lot of them down, at least in the relationships and leisure activities departments. Hung out with those friends I’ve mentioned before who are moving away, visited and am in touch with some relatives who are under unfortunate circumstances, and started hanging out with some of my nephews and nieces again. Planted some new vegetables for the upcoming season, got into biking again, caught up with some video games, and watched a few shows that have been on the backburner for some time. All of this and there’s still more that I’d like to do.

But, my job is calling again. And with every passing day of vacation, I realized again and again that my job is something that doesn’t quite make me happy. The opposite, actually: the thought of this fills me with bubbling anxiety and hopelessness. Not enough pay, lack of proper leadership, odd hours that make workers miss out on life. I’ve spoken with my girlfriend about this. She suggested that another factor is a lack of attainable goals; an aimless job with nothing to it but moving forward. The only mark of any sort of milestone is failure. I’m unsure if it’s the nature of the job or if it’s because of the leadership or both. But I do know that this aimlessness mostly has a negative effect on the workers involved in it. Whether it be an abuse of power from people in higher roles or complete dissatisfaction in the lower rungs of our workforce, the only thing keeping anyone there is the fact that we’re being paid. And because the lower rungs of the workforce get the least pay in the organization, they’re paid to barely exist, especially in the current economic climate in California. 

All of this to say, I’m pretty unhappy with my current job. I know that I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll be relocating next year and I’m trying to look for other work before I move. Unfortunately, my experience isn’t applicable to many things, so I’ve sort of pigeon holed myself to something similar to my current job, entry level work, or back to school for a completely different field. And to be honest, I’ve considered those last two more than I have continuing in my current field. 

My dream of being able to sustain myself on the work that I actually care about grows further every day that I have to go into my job. But I’ll still be going, even if I’m unable to keep up at a pace that’s required to get anywhere fast. I’ve accepted that it’s more likely that I’ll get somewhere in decades rather than years, if at all. Whether I make more money and live comfortably or work a minimum wage job, I know that time will always be scarce and my desires to make and maintain relationships and do leisurely activities will come into play.

But I can’t give up on my dream. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me, that keeps me grounded with everyone else even if it’s only a little bit. And I know that if I do give it up, then I’ll spend the rest of my life always thinking about what would have happened if I did continue pursuing it.

So, I’ll keep going, putting in what I can while trying to maintain a life that I feel is worth living. I feel like that’s part of being an adult, identifying what’s important to you and figuring out a way to make it work with whatever obstacles might be present. But who knows? Maybe I'm getting all of it wrong