I’m sure that everyone’s had a flash of a memory that they haven’t thought about in a long while that activate from some sort of sensory stimulation. Sensory memories. Duh. I think I had one this morning, but I’m unsure of what activated it, because I was standing idly, doing nothing in particular.

Anyway, I was thinking of an old elementary school friend I had messaged a few days ago. They hadn’t responded quite yet, but I assumed that it was because they were busy with possibly becoming a new parent. My thoughts wandered, as they usually do when I’m just standing around for no particular reason. I thought of them when we were children. At first, I remembered the sweater that they always wore, a dark gray color with red stripes at the wrists. Then, I saw their hair, in a sort of faux pompadour. Then, their silver rimmed glasses. Then, their eyes. And then my mind just sort of jumped to another elementary school friend’s eyes. Then, I compared them to my latest image of them and there was an overwhelming thought of how many years had passed between the comparisons. How aspirations had changed, mentalities had shifted, beliefs had been challenged. And I realized that they were grown up and a quiet washed over me. 

From my perspective, they were confident about their growing up. Regardless of their actual knowledge of what it means to grow up, they were confident in their progression. And, regardless of if what I was thinking was true or not, I was proud of them. I was a little bit sad, because it felt like I was alone in still feeling like a child, but it was overshadowed by the feeling of pride to know that two people I know had made it into a mentality where they actually know what they want.

I’m unsure if that’s a sensory memory. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not, because I can’t think of anything specific that made me see, hear, feel, smell, or taste. But, maybe it’s more of a subconscious thing, I don’t know. That’s part of the fun, trying to figure it all out, I guess.

On a related note, I was at the store the other day when two children ran out of an aisle I was approaching and right past me. I walked around the corner and the mother and I made eye contact for a second or two before she walked past me and down the aisle where her kids went. The rest of that shopping trip, I just sort of wandered around as if I were in a dream state where I was watching myself walk around and listen to my thoughts as if I weren’t producing them myself. Like a movie, I guess. It was an odd feeling. Sort of peaceful, no pressing feeling of needing to return, but accepting that I needed to go back at some time. Whenever I would look at something on the shelves, it seemed like it was far away and I took extra time to stare at things that I didn’t even have a need or desire for. A sort of carefree feeling overtook me, but a feeling of inevitability still lingered. Thinking about it now, I’m not sure if it was completely peaceful with that knowledge of something coming, but not really 100% knowing what that something was. Still, it was pleasant at the time.

Not too much else to update on, I think. I’m steadily continuing my return to writing, the wheels of Green Mirror Literary’s second issue have begun turning, and work still doesn’t appeal to any part of my life other than my survivability. It’s not much to mention, but I’ve also restarted exercising regularly and started eating out less. I’m trying to drink a little less, especially when I’m out. I try not to wantonly spend money on frivolous things. That’s a problem I’ve definitely had in the past few years, probably to cope with the hopelessness I feel from work, which is where I spend a majority of my time and efforts because it demands it. Maybe I’m able to stop now because it subconsciously feels like it’s coming to an end. But, I wonder what else I can do or where all of it will lead.