This is a public website, accessible to anyone who might choose to come by. Specifically, this is a public website that has my writings on it, things that I consider to be a part of me. And I’ve realized that in my writing, I’m more open to sharing a bit of troubled things that have lingered around in my head. 

It’s a side that many of my family members don't see very often, if at all. They’d rather not see it, I think. I’m not sure why. Maybe they just would rather not sink into negativity. Maybe it’s a reflection of a failure to reach out. Maybe it’s an inconvenience to their daily life. Maybe none of these reasons, or all of them. There’s a whole plethora of possibilities. But I know that I hide away a lot of what I’m thinking in my writing. Perhaps up until this point, subconsciously.

And now that I think about it, I’m probably the same way with everyone I meet in general. There’s another side of myself that’s more perky, more fun, more palatable to what can be stomached. Palatable? It’s like putting anchovies on pizza - the pizza part you’re pretty familiar with. But the smell and textures of the anchovy can be offensive and off-putting, yet the saltiness and clash of fishy taste clashing with the familiar taste of pizza is intriguing. But then you chew and the texture mushes between your teeth and the smell begins to waft into your nostrils. Yet, you don’t mind another bite. The more perky and fun side of myself is like that to people, I think. Confusing, but it generates enough interest to hang around and see what it is that makes it fun.

What a high compliment to give myself. 

At this point, I’ll have you know that I learned quite well to hide away my thoughts and feelings when I was younger because it was inconvenient for other people. There just wasn’t enough time or effort or knowledge or interest to cater to the whirlwind of curiosity and emotions that I had. It was inconvenient for people around me and I didn’t want to bother anyone. I think I taught myself that the emotions or things that I had had an interest in were either bad or things that I had to explore on my own.

There’s very few people, I think, who I’ve shared what my writing is like in real life. It’s dreary, confused, unorganized, hamfisted, tryhard, scared, so many other things that seem unappealing to see in a person. Things that I think would drive people away because who wants to look at something that’s difficult to deal with? 

So, I hide it away here and share it with you, readers. Because maybe there’s a hope I have, locked away in my brain or heart and the key flung to some far away memory that’s difficult to access, that someone will connect with all of these dreary, confused, unorganized, hamfisted, tryhard, scared, and so many other things that seem unappealing to see in a person. And instead of looking at it and deciding that it’s not worth the time or effort to interpret what’s trying to be conveyed, someone will read it over and over again and think, “I think I understand what he’s trying to say. Maybe it’ll be worth it to stick around and hear more of what’s trying to be said as he desperately grasps at words while making barely coherent sounds”.