It’s come to my attention that my post didn’t go through on Friday. I’ve posted it along with this blog entry for the week and you can expect another story this coming Friday. I’ll even double check that it gets posted successfully before stepping away for the rest of the weekend.

I visited family this past weekend, though. It was extremely cold and I underestimated the sting of it, as demonstrated by my packing only one thin layer of thermal underwear, no hat to keep my head and ears warm, and deciding not to take a pair of gloves with me. It was fun, though, seeing my family. Being away from them for an extended amount of time has made me realize how little I see them. I do communicate with my siblings and parents pretty regularly, but most of it is just passing conversation, things that wouldn’t take longer than a minute to say and then we’re back to whatever it was we were doing previously. Plus, being able to see the entirety of the person you’re talking to is a bit different. 

Now, I don’t think I grew up super close or super distant to my family. They were there and supported me to some extent. They still do. But nowadays, I guess it’s just a little bit different when we talk. Something’s different. Actual conversation is more valuable, maybe? Perhaps because of an invisible value placed on time that’s combined with our perceptions of emotions and all that? 

Something I can say for certain is that material possessions have lost value over time. Perhaps because I’ve been lucky enough to have been able to be content with what I have and not worry about the basic necessities not being met. So things like career choice, what I think about, and what I eat are more valuable, because they’re all tied with time. My personal sleep schedule takes about an average of 49 hours out of the week. With transit, preparation, and wind down time, work takes at least 50 hours of the week away. That’s 99 hours, leaving 69 hours left to run errands, perform chores around the house, maintain relationships, pursue writing, all the things required to make me not feel absolutely worn down before starting the work week again. 

It feels like everything is all about time now. Maybe that’s a benefit that was lost on me when I just didn’t pursue my creative passions and floundered into work that didn’t suit me very well - time became more apparent because I’m always watching it rather than focusing on achieving goals and living life. I do stare at the clock at work a lot, counting the hours until half the shift is over and then minutes before the punch out clock hits the half hour mark, then managing the hours that I have before I need to return to work. 

Maybe the folly is more that I gained too much time by not pursuing things that I enjoyed or wanted to do or even knowing what I wanted to do. Because when you’re doing something you enjoy, working toward goals that you’ve set, time sort of goes away and becomes less of a concern.

Of course, that’s all a double edged sword, right? When you’re enjoying something, you wish there was more time. And if you’re in my situation, well, then time is just an annoyance. But this makes me think that maybe we’re just conflict seeking, looking out for suffering so that we can go from discomfort to comfort, only to sink back into discomfort and repeat the cycle. That’s not to say that we particularly enjoy the discomfort, but rather it’s an instinctual motion for us. Go through it because it’s what we’re wired to do, I guess.

Now, breaking that cycle? Well, is it even worth it? What will happen if we break through that discomfort and only sit in comfort? Is it possible? I don’t know. Maybe? 

This kind of stuff, well, a friend told me a few years ago that she hated these kinds of questions because they only ever sprout more questions that will only have uncertain answers at best. But it feels like asking questions is the only reason that we’ve been able to move forward with ourselves.