Hey there. You might have noticed my absence in the past few weeks. There’s a very simple reason for it: the holiday season and growing responsibilities as an adult. Those two are the very core reasons for me not being around. A fun, more complicated and widespread reason that I like to explore more and more often, is time. I’m not a horologist or astrophysicist or anything even close to qualified to speak in an educated manner about time. But, what I can and will tell you about is how time feels to me, in a personal perspective of a life that should supposedly be a fully functioning adult that contributes to the betterment of society and the survival of our human species, yet is desperately grasping at the possibility of happiness and searching through the many definitions of identity. I’ve often been wondering if, for myself, the two can go hand in hand.

Anyway, because I only have a rudimentary understanding of anything scientific, my example can only go so far. But you know when you study the basics of matter and they have those balls that represent atoms? Solids are represented by the balls that just stick together, regardless of the container they’re in. And then there’s liquid that sort of does that, except the balls collapse and then stick back together in the shape of the container they’re in. And then there’s gas. The absolute chaos of gas, where all of the molecules fling around and bounce off of whatever might be in their way until they fly off into openness either to keep soaring off into the sky until they’re interacted with by something that can finally get their attention.

That’s what time is for me nowadays. Absolute chaos that just gets away from me, even when I try to work with and understand the machinations of how it works. I’m unsure of how people work 40+ hours a week, maintain a household, continue pursuing endeavors outside of their work, raise a family, maintain and nurture relationships, explore different avenues of living, maintain physical and mental health, and find a way to be happy in all of it. Or any combinations of those and/or many other things. People are different, of course, but in general it seems like a lot of the people I know and talk to are making it somehow and they don’t seem absolutely miserable. 

Where do they find the time between attempting to fulfill expectations, making sure all basic needs are met, and being content with life? It’s like there was a textbook on how to make sure time stayed in line for you and my head was buried in a textbook on how I might be able to make friends. 

It would be easy to blame something, myself included. And to be honest, the thought offers a little bit of comfort. But, simply finding the source of the problem won’t really change the outcome that I’m in. The fact that time continues to freefall into the sky around me is going to be there. Finding and obtaining the solution, that’s the hard part. 

I do dream of what could be done to capture time again. It, of course, involves me being able to write so that my mind can play so that I can write down what my mind played with so that I can further play with ideas. But, time, despite it being so free in the air, brings me back down to reality. Basic necessities must be obtained, all forms of health must be addressed and maintained, social requirements must be met. Brought back to attempting to be a regular person.

I’m told by people that the solution to all of this lies outside of the mind, where thoughts don’t dwell and linger. But, there’s something about thinking and being in your head that’s comforting. Maybe it’s an acknowledgment that I’m alive, that I’m at least capable of something. But because I’m human, I still rely on the five senses. And that’s where writing comes in. It uses sight to give physicality to my thoughts. And, at least recently, I simultaneously feel joy, relief, pride, shame, and frustration. It’s all complicated and tiring. But I can’t help but want to explore it more and share it with you all.