It’s been a while. My writing slowed down. The holidays were busy, as it usually is for a majority of people, I think. My health has been brought to my attention. Nothing serious; mostly making time to exercise and taking the effort to watch what I eat rather than consume anything that I have access to. I’ve decided to stay at my work because of a bump in pay. It’s a good chunk, though I find that it’s still not enough to move further into what’s considered some pillars of true adult life in the States: owning a home and starting a family are the first two things that come to mind. Luckily, the pay raise in question takes some stress off of my shoulders and allows me to refocus some effort into my writing. 

The things that I remember the most from the first half of 2023 are that my sister was able to welcome her daughter into the world, I decided to stay at my workplace, I picked up boxing and pickleball, weekends off are rare to come by now, and I’ve had the same empty feeling that I had after graduating college a decade ago. That last memory is probably the most that I need to explore, but I’d like to write about all of the other memories. They’re easier, I think.

My niece is wonderful. As far as I’m aware, babies behave pretty similarly. They eat, pee and poop, cry, and sleep. It’s the most basic and simplistic way that an animal in the kingdom that can’t fend for itself survives. My experience with newborns and infants is extremely limited, but she seems fairly docile in all of those things, even the crying. I don’t visit as often as I’d like, but the times that I do, I find that she is as happy as a newborn/infant can be. More than a quiet personality, this is probably attributed to my sister and brother in law’s care for her. They’re extremely attentive, caring, and have always been creative with their problem solving. Maybe I’m overcomplicating things here, but when I imagine myself having a child, things don’t turn out so well. I have cats and am barely attentive to them, even feeling annoyed by them because their cries for food in the morning mean that I only get five or six hours of sleep a day. I can’t imagine how I would feel if a baby was in my care. People say it’s different, that people change when they’re in charge of the care of another human. I’m sure that they’re right. But I don’t want to be in work that pulls me away from a child in my care. At least, more than what’s necessary. And with my work and odd hours, I find that I’d be extremely irritable. I would hate for that irritation to turn into anger or resentment toward a child. There’s also the more apparent obstacle of finances at hand. Obviously, you have to be able to buy necessities and provide comfort for a child. And with how expensive things are, the pay raise isn’t enough to justify bringing another human into the world. 

Family members are advising that I promote in my workplace as a way to get more money. And it is an option to try, I suppose. But promoting would mean being more involved in the workplace, specifically in the management side of things. And if there’s anything that I’ve learned in the past decade, it’s that my workplace is absolutely mismanaged and management sees and treats their employees as numbers rather than people. I don’t want to be a part of that at all. The decision to stay was tough, but just because I’m sticking around doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to move up.

Back in winter, it was difficult to continue my running. So, I picked up boxing as a replacement for my cardio. Combat sports had interested me since I was a teenager, so I thought why not give it a try. I’m not very serious about it, as in I don’t intend to fight ever. But it’s a lot of fun learning and improving on proper form. Combinations are fun and though I know it’s helpfulness in real life situations is limited, it’s nice to at least feel like my body might know what to do if I’m ever put in a physical confrontation. 

Last fall, I had a small pickleball competition with some of my family. We went to a few courts near their place, thinking that it wouldn’t be crowded. But, it turns out that it was way more popular than any of us anticipated. We hogged a court, not knowing the etiquette. It was fun and I wanted to continue to play after our hijinks. But no one had as much interest and it was getting colder than what I wanted to manage. So, that ambition fell apart. But when spring hit, I brought it up again with my family and they wanted to play. It was a lot of fun. Despite being out of shape, I felt invigorated and a feeling that I can only remember having when I was a teenager playing silly games on the beach or at a park with friends. That’s how I see the game: something for me to run around and be crazy and fun in. Of course, I want to improve, but not to absolutely smash people. I think it’s natural to just want to be better at something you do because staying at the same skill level doesn’t allow for stimulation. And getting better means expanding the pool of people that you can play with. Overall, it’s a thing that I’ve had a lot of fun doing recently. It’s accessible, silly, a fun way to move around, and you meet all kinds of people. 

Rounding it out here, there’s something that’s been on my mind for a long time, but definitely more recently. Defiance, anger, fury, and rage. We all have those things, I think. Whether we bury it somewhere deep inside of ourselves or unleash it in the healthiest or unhealthiest ways, every person that I’ve met has this. I think that it’s just a natural part of existing and great when these things are controlled and focused toward something productive. It’s been a source of great energy for myself. But, maybe because I’m older, or I’ve settled into a lifestyle, or I’m more physically active now, or some other multitude of reasons, I find that the anger and defiance is fading away. Instead, it’s being replaced by the familiar feelings of depression, anxiety, and a looming sense of dread and confusion. These feelings seem to be the norm nowadays. But I like having that fight in me. That defiance seemed to encourage progress, steps forward rather than stagnation. 

I’m hoping that I can get that feeling back sometime. 

Anyway, the third issue of Green Mirror Literary is in production. It’s slated to release at the end of the month. I’m still working on writing projects that I’ve had lined up. Hopefully I can share them sooner rather than later. 

I hope everything is wonderful with you all.