I’ve been depressed for the past few weeks. Probably longer, but the feelings and thoughts have been more notable as of late. Like everything that occurs, there’s multiple reasons why I’ve been depressed. Many of them are out of reach of my influence - people and systems in place. The ones that are within my influence seem difficult to budge or require being concise and determined in my goals. I thought that I’d grown my resolve to the things that I wanted in my life, but my feelings and perspective on things have been changing. Which is natural, I think, especially considering how new information pops up all of the time.

One of the first things that pops up is my age. I’m unsure if the stigma of being old (and therefore being limited in things that you can do or having to shift perspective on many things) starts at 30 is true. I still do a lot of things that I would have done so far in my life. Generally, I hold the same ideals that I did when I was in my 20s. Does that mean that I’m still young, despite my age? If so, is that an incorrect course of action? Should I be changing to fit my physical age? Because regardless of how I feel or think about things, it’s a fact that I’m physically getting older and the limitations of what I can do are becoming more apparent. Doors are closing, as a lot of people would say, and I’m unsure of how to deal with that fact.

It seems like a lot of things that pop up have to do with my age, now that I think about it. It feels like I’m not where I should be at this point in time. But the only point of reference I have for “where I should be” is my childhood ideal of how someone my age should be living. A job that pays enough for a white picket fence home, two children, and a wife who worked and took care of the kids just as much as I would. But there was never any specifics there. No idea what the job would be, where the house would be, how the children would be raised, no identity of the wife. Just a shiny cardboard cutout. And I never really thought deeper about it, yet here I am still sort of holding onto that ideal, despite knowing that things in life are much more complex than that.

All of this reminds me of something that came up again recently. My older relatives are worried about my belief and faith. I think it’s clear that I don’t hold the same amount of faith that they do. Most of them don’t mind that. But I think that they’re more concerned about my thinking, specifically my tendency to think on things too long and too deeply. Admittedly, it’s led to a lot of inaction and sometimes a paralysis to opportunity. But more times than not my thinking feels more like an asset than a burden. I can’t imagine myself without it. But I understand the concern - action produces more apparent results. 

I’m sure there will be more to contemplate and share, when time becomes more plentiful. But for now, that’s all that’s happening.