I’m over my latest bout of canker sores. That’s good. I’ve been wondering if I’ve had them so frequently because of some external force like a disease rather than an internal source like stress. Thinking back on the past month, both seem as likely as the other. Been around a lot of people and the weather has been erratic at times. But, there’s also all of the things that I’m trying to balance out and get a hang of again. Lots of contemplation. Not enough clarity. So maybe both. 

It’s been difficult to find purpose and stick on one train of thought. Every day that passes by seems to blend with the other. Work, a few games of pickleball, watch a few episodes of a show or movie, write a little bit. Which is how most people go about their time, but it feels like there’s no progress in anything, and achieving goals is very far away in the future. Maybe that’s why I’ve been contemplating whether I want children or not - I know that if I were to have a child, then I would want them to be happy. There’s a roadmap there, to some degree, and every year they would grow up is some sort of growth marker and milestone. But, I feel that this mindset isn’t right, because the child would become more a tool for me rather than a loving parent. I would view them as a way to fix me rather than me help develop them.

There’s still things that I want to achieve. I’m not at a happy place in my life. A majority of my waking hours are dedicated to something that barely brings the basic requirement for living, but in exchange for my energy to be drained to do the things that would bring value to beyond survival for me. Time and energy and organization and expectations and value and optimization.

The first thing that I think is to identify what is the most important thing to achieve. But it’s difficult to really narrow that down, because a lot of things are important to me. And not only that, but identifying a few things that are important also means taking into factor time and capability and resources at hand. I wish it were simple. I’m sure it is, at least to a lot of people. But my conviction waivers when the thought of time comes up. It’s another hurdle to get over.

Perhaps my mind wanders too much to comparison. What people my age are doing, their successes, what people older than me were doing when they were my age, all of that. And it’s unhealthy, but clinging to something is much easier than taking a leap into something that you have to manifest yourself. Maybe I don’t trust in my capabilities to manifest.

Something that I’ve noticed myself doing is escaping into the past. It’s an unhealthy habit, always thinking of past good times rather than moving toward future good times. But, it’s so easy, recalling a good feeling, even if it’s not as fulfilling as actually undergoing good times. But, it doesn’t move you forward nearly as much. Inches to miles and all that.