Despite living it everyday, I come around again and again to the fact that, for a majority of people, life is boring. Do the things that help you survive: work, eat, sleep, excrete waste, engage in sexual activity, entertain yourself, maintain relationships. All of the universal things that share a larger similarity, but small details make it our own experiences. And of course, those small details are what individualize us, though it feels like they’re not really worth discussing. At least, initially, that’s what I think. But isn’t individualization the only thing that’s worth discussing? So that we can find deeper ground that we can connect on? Because, of course, we know that we do all of those things - eating, sleeping, working, all of it. But the niches in each of those, what, how, when we do them, that’s what people really connect on and gain trust in, right?

But to read them here, from a person that you may or may not know from a time in your life when you may have been a completely different person? All of the monotonous tasks that reoccur? Is that really something worth sharing? I guess it’s a matter of perspective. But I wonder if it’s something that people would even consider reading. 

All of this is to say that there isn’t much to update on. It was my partner’s birthday not too long ago. We celebrated by eating a meal with family, being at home, watching TV, and playing video games. Specifically, Helldivers 2. Despite the technical issues in it, I still have the utmost praise for it. 

I’m also still working on the story for this month. I can feel myself slowly getting sick, so writing has been at the back of my priorities. Despite it being something that I love and want to continue, I know that it causes me stress. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I’m finding that my tolerance for stress is waning away as I get older. Or maybe there’s other things that are causing me stress. I know that my thoughts go back to the question of whether or not I want to try and raise a child pretty often. That’s always followed by whether or not I’m a disappointment to my family, followed by a questioning of my worth as a person. Because, as I know I’ve mentioned before, of the two realistic primary ways that people continue to pursue immortality. If I’m not going to chase after a genetic passing, then that would mean that I should pursue immortality through memory. And I’ve begun the process, I think. Audio and possibly video projects to connect family, my writing, learning photography. But nothing solid that my family really acknowledges. 

That’s probably one of the reasons they still see me as a child. No follow through, no completion. Just a constant exploration and abandonment of things. It reminds me of Buster in Arrested Development or Alex in Transparent. Just new things all of the time, like a puppy easily distracted by new things. It definitely is a trait that I associate with younger people. Is it a bad thing, though, being child-like? I guess it’s not so much the child-like part so much as it is the lack of actually solidifying anything. I think, in general, a lot of people don’t see the pursuit of memory as a valid method of the pursuit of immortality. At least until the memory is so large that an almost unreasonable amount of people can identify you. For example, celebrities of acting and musical talent. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Van Halen and Queen. Their pursuit is one that isn’t questioned much by people, because it’s no question that people will remember them. But they’re largely exceptions, rather than the rule for most people. Because for every well known actor or musician, there’s probably tens of thousands who go unknown and/or forgotten by the general population. 

But what if the pursuit of immortality angle isn’t so much to definitely achieve it than it is to try to achieve it?

Maybe that’s just a failure’s, a sloth’s, a coward’s perspective. Justification for a person who has given up. 

I’m not sure anymore. And it seems like the people around me can only confirm the latter or agree that the question is worth asking. 

So am I simply to acknowledge the latter, as it’s the only answer that can be given definitively, despite my feelings that there might be more to the former question of trying rather than definitely achieving? Or maybe there’s something out there completely different than what I’m thinking? Maybe I’m asking the wrong questions.

It’s hard to say.