The initial week into my new schedule is over. It’s not bad. Or maybe I’m more used to the wee hours of the morning than I initially thought. I’m hoping that my use of sleeping aids will be over quicker than I initially thought. But, we’ll see. 

On another note, I scrolled past a few old documents that I’d written on my computer. A lot of them consisted of fake intellectual or try hard thought provoking titles. There are times that I come across these that I feel ashamed of myself, especially considering the fact that the thoughts I had or have are thoughts that are more than likely to have already been discussed and I just haven’t bothered to find or participate in these discussions. Rather, I play video games, read books, watch cartoons, and sit around thinking about whether or not I’ve been wasting my time.

I wonder if self awareness is breaking us, in the sense that we’re too deep inside of our heads and can’t really climb our ways out. And if we’re stuck inside our heads, then we can’t really see and acknowledge each other too much. Or has it always been like this, regardless of the time we’re in now? Maybe the difference is that now we keep to ourselves rather than lash out at one another at some point? It seems better, that our physical and emotional selves are safer from those jolts of anger. I guess it could be argued that the anger put on us stirs the anxieties and sadnesses we have, transforming them into anger instead. And then we can better process that anger into something else - something that we find productive, regardless if it actually is or isn’t. In a way, anger being a catalyst for something, a reaction, because it’s difficult for us to separate ourselves from reactivity and move to proactivity. Anger being the catalyst for something to happen, implying that the beginning had to have been a reaction to something. Something was in a state of being, then something outside of that regular state interrupted and the original something reacted in anger.

It seems nonsensical to think about. A child’s thoughts with little weight behind it, nothing more than a talking point that will pass the time between more enjoyable activities. Unsubstantiated by nothing more than unresolved thoughts and emotions from past events that can’t even be remembered in the fullest extent. Can the question even really be trusted then, if the source of them is nothing but flawed personal recollection?

I’d actually written this on my Friday, after my shift. I had felt the sun’s touch after waking up to darkness, so maybe I’d been bitter at our missed time together. But maybe I’ve been thinking about it wrong. Maybe it’s good to see the sun’s friend more often, get another perspective on stuff. Maybe it’s good to think of myself more as a part of the cycle rather than outside of it. Maybe at times I considered myself even a master of it, therefore more entitled to the gifts that come with waking with the light. 

Or maybe this is all just a coping mechanism that I tell myself for the fact that I’ll be up at a time that my body deems to be inherently dangerous, despite nothing actually happening, surrounded by noise and nonsense behavior before 90% of the world has even finished their dreams. I don’t know, just go with it.

Anyway, I’ll be posting some revised work from a manuscript that I’d written in 2017. I’m currently working on that and my story of Tekrem, with hopes that they’ll be published works that are introductions to the worlds I’ve had in my head for years. I hope you enjoy.

Or, if anything, I hope life is going okay.