I went to bed a little after 10 last night. I did feel a little weird during the afternoon. Tired, but not exactly sleepy. Just no energy or desire to do much. And because of that, it seemed like the only thing to do was to at least take a nap, if not head to bed for the rest of the day. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to, despite all conditions being met for sleep. I ended up looking at my phone, eating some dinner, and watching part of a movie that’s been on my watchlist for a while. I got through about a third of it before going back upstairs and trying to read. Ended up chatting before going to bed. 

As I’m writing this, I feel different. Maybe it has to do with being productive. I did dishes, cats’ litter boxes, ate breakfast, took my medicine, started a download that will take forever and interrupt connections if anyone is using the internet. Things that sort of prepare me for the rest of the day.

Is that an odd thought? That you have to prepare for the day ahead of time? Like the day is an obstacle? Why would the day be an obstacle, when it’s what we live in? Maybe the phrase is better framed as “preparing for the many things that will inevitably be in the way of the things that you want to do throughout the day”. But because those many things that show up are largely unknown or otherwise don’t wish to be spoken about, we just say “the day”. Because time can take such a blow to their character.

Regardless, this morning feels a little different from yesterday. Admittedly, I couldn’t remember a word that I was thinking of, but in general I feel more centered than I did yesterday. I know that part of that reason is because today I have things scheduled out and there’s not really any pressure to anything. Just a sort of free flowing day, productive day. Maybe I hate being idle with no reason behind it.

But I attribute a good amount of my clarity this morning to the fact that I woke up when light was just peaking and not struggling against night time. That urgency to get up and get going doesn’t hit me as hard. But then again, I don’t really have to do anything when I’m able to wake with the sun. But then again, when I was able to wake with the sun and have responsibilities to fulfill I didn’t feel any dread or anything like that. 

It’ll take more instances of this occurring and documentation before I can really say anything with confidence, though. And even then, maybe the magic behind it all will still elude me. I’m not a licensed anything, so my expertise is extremely limited.

I write this not too long after updating you all because I want to make sure that there’s some sort of communication, unlike last week where I felt a tinge of fatigue after work, the only time I can write candidly like this. But know that things are going okay so far with me and that I’m hoping everything is going in an upward direction for all of you.